I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
