Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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