He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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