It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
