you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
