Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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