I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
