i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
