I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
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have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize