I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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