the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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