Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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