God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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