I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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