i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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