I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
