i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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