Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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