too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Randomize
