I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
