You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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