I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
