Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
