i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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