Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
