There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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