My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just threw up on my dentist
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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