i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
