Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
