On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
