last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
