Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
