Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You pole danced in your parka.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
