You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I AM VODKA MAN
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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