I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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