I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
