I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
