My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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