Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
