new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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