Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
