I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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