Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
