I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
