Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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