oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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