I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
