Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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