All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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