She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
