What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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