3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
