why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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