I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
