Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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