i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
